As of today I am a student at the Pontifical University of St. Patrick’s College, Maynooth. I am studying for the Baccalaureate in Theology. I will over the course of the next few years learn all about dogma, moral reasoning, liturgy, ecclesial history, koine Greek, ancient Hebrew, a little Latin and an awful lot about sacred Scripture. I hope. None of those subjects get the same names if you go to some stupid Protestant school.
So there are two things I need from you, avid reader. One: understanding because I simply will not be posting every day anymore. The internet will lose its lustre. The web will seem drab and dreary. Zoomtard will go back, inevitably, to its initial state of occasional huge brain vomits.
Two: who wants to offer me advice on how to make the most of my 2nd under-grad experience? Any mature students able to give me tips on not scaring the children who occupy many of the seats around me in class? Any Arts students want to help your noble scientist here as he shits himself over having to write essays in exams?
Your Correspondent, Gave up the chance to be Pope
![The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ [Hardcover]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41bh8oSh1VL._SL160_.jpg)
So how come my Facebook is telling me ‘Kevin Hargaden is at Alton Towers’?
Anyway, tips for success:
1. Run for Pope; do not give up on the dream. Make it clear to everyone else from Day 1 that that is your sole mission in life. You want to be the First Protestant Pope.
2. Hint that when you are Pope you will reserve special top Bishop posts/places in Heaven/sainthoods for people who helped you write essays while you were at college.
3. Periodically be seen to receive letters with ‘Top Secret – Papal Encyclical Enclosed’ written on the envelope. Take yourself off to a quiet yet not secluded corner to be seen reading them furtively.
4. Every now and then, when your phone rings, pick it up and say “Benny! How nice to hear from you! How’s the weather in Rome?”
5. Hint that when you are Pope you will reserve special places in Hell/Purgatory for those who opposed your rise to Popedom.
I think this will work.
Wear white socks with sandals and say things like ‘hmm, indubitably…’ pensively whilst sucking on the end of a well used pencil (that you peared yourself using a blade you bought in Easons).
They’ll love you for all the right reasons.
I suggest you indoctrinate yourself in the culture of today’s youth. Learn the phrases they use to communicate. Either grow your hair out, putting on pale makeup and eyeliner (learning to laugh like a hyena); or grow a mullet (which are in fashion now for some reason — perhaps God has given up on us?).
Find out the bands they listen to. You should talk to your younger brother; he likes some absolutely awful music. Wear tshirts of these bands; but if you decide to wear a Nirvana tshirt, don’t let on that you actually REMEMBER Nirvana or the game will be up.
Finally, ditch the smartphone and pick up a cheap Nokia, changing the ring-tone to anything other than a ringing tone.
If you’re looking for me, I’ll be sitting in my rocking chair on the porch.
Problem is you’ll want to head home apres every lecture- try and have a ‘Kev zone’- a place Kev will always be.
Find another hook apart from coffee…..it’s so normalna.I suggest you could take up pipe smoking. Others would say
Essay writing is simple. The trick is to intertwingle your ideas with other peoples ideas. Unfortunately I rarely came up with my own…..
Make great friends with at least one mature student so they’ll always….oh wait you are one. Forget it
Join the last society you’d ever really think of joining and become their auditor.I humourously considered being president of both CU AND Pagan Soc in my final year…now THERE’s a CV.
The Pope job may be out, but what about Archbishop of Canterbury? They’ve got a Welsh one now, so it would be rude for Gordon Brown’s successor to turn down the chance of having an Irishman at the helm of the good ship Anglicania!
1. Congratulations.
2. Lose the Presbyterianism. Religion causes wars, duuuude.
3. Type up your essays in LaTeX. They just look so pretty and it will act as a nice addendum to your CS days.
4. Have your wife write said essays for you.
5. Derive much pleasure from the fact that your little brother gives tutorials to students more advanced in their undergraduate degrees than yourself.
6. Borrow Lisa Hannigan’s new album from your little brother for those essay writing sessions.
7. When writing essays: accept that things will move lethargically slowly while you read around the topic. Then you get to grips with it and become rather obsessive. You sit down to type and the lethargy will return. This is where the music of point 6 comes in. Listen for a while. Then, as miraculous as the latest appearance of Our Lady, you shall type to the wee hours. The free spirit shall type plentifully and overflow in verbosity. And the word count shall be exceeded and you shall be merry.
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Dave said: “You should talk to your younger brother; he likes some absolutely awful music.”
GTFO. I’m going to a jazz concert tomorrow.
good to see i’m not the only one still flirtin with the ol’ student life! ah, the joys. freshers week is the worst as far the ‘feeling old’ bit… but when anyone over 23=mature, something seems fishy…